“Music makes the heart bleed.” 🎼

This is something my dad used to say. And he didn’t mean it in a negative way. Rather, he recognized the inherent beauty of music and its ability to unlock the heart’s channels. Boy does it!

Music has a way of unearthing memories tucked deeply in our hearts and forcing a flood of emotions to rise to the surface. And friend, that’s a good thing … especially as you grieve.

As a matter fact, evidence-based research supports the role of music in healthy grief coping. If you’re interested in reviewing a 2019 article focused on the essential elements of song for young adults who are grieving, click here. Of particular interest to me were several themes that arose in the research. First, it’s OK to not be OK as you grieve. Second, grief can involve both pain and joy. And finally, there is value in community throughout the grief process. Music that includes these elements can prove particularly beneficial for those who are grieving.

At the same time, it’s important to note that loss can silence the music heard and usher you into a space where its crescendos aren’t readily experienced. This is 100% normal, my friend.

Indeed, music makes the heart bleed.

To this day, whenever I hear a Luther Vandross song, I’m immediately flooded with emotion. One particular song, “Dance With My Father,” erupts sadness in my heart, as I acknowledge my inability to do this with my own father. Further, my mom deemed this her favorite song prior to her death. My heart bleeds, and I do my best to sit alongside the pain and even save room for the song’s melody to awaken joy in my heart. I believe this will come in due time.

What’s most important, I’ve learned, is to recognize how to lean into grief through music in helpful ways.

Here are a few ideas …

• Select a song that awakens your emotions, knowing that it is time-limited. Not only does this afford you space to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings associated with loss, but it also provides a safe container to do so. Listening to Whitney Houston or songs by the Temptations allows me to take a trip down memory lane, give myself permission to cry, and re-center myself in the here-and-now afterwards.

• Consider incorporating a musical instrument — or writing a verse to a song — as a means of healthily expressing emotions associated with your loss. It’s quite remarkable how these types of creative outlets afford space to release internalized feelings. Doing so benefits your mood and can also help connect you with others.

• Explore the possibility of connecting with others via music. Over the past two years, my brothers and I have scheduled Zoom calls to hold dance parties or simply talk with certain songs in the background as a way of connecting with our dad. It’s amazing how music can provide a direct link to beautiful moments from times past.

My dad was right. Music makes the heart bleed.

And remember, that isn’t necessarily a negative thing. Like love and music, grief ebbs and flows. It crescendos and swells. Grief can be virtually undetectable one moment, followed by a cacophony of sounds in the next. Within its movement, my friend, resides beauty and offense, sadness and hope, yearning and appreciation of the here-and-now.

My hope is that you’ll allow your heart to bleed … into the crevices that need to be tended to and held.

I’m here with you, dear friend, and would love for you to share your thoughts below.

XOXO, 

M.

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