Time alone isn’t the answer … when it comes to grieving, at least.

This fact is countercultural in many ways. Let me explain.

All too often in the face of loss, other well meaning supporters make the statement, “You’ll feel better in time” or “Time heals all wounds.” 

On the surface, this makes sense, particularly given the fact that time can heal certain wounds. Physical scrapes and bruises heal in time, even without significant medical intervention. Our bodies are powerful machines that, with time, make their way back to a sense of harmony.

And don’t get me wrong. The passage of time can help soften the hard edges prevalent throughout the grief process.  I can say that nearly 10 years past my mom’s untimely death, the deep ache in my heart has dulled to some degree.

At the same time, I think about the things I’ve done with (and in) time to allow me to be in a less agitated and sensitive place.

Friend, I would argue that time alone isn’t the answer as you grieve.

It’s what you do in time that makes a difference.

So of course, the burning question is WHAT DO I DO?  It’s a question I pondered on the heels of my mom’s death. And even now, after experiencing additional losses, I return to that question.
Doing so reminds me that the process of grieving is active and intentional, even on the days I wish this truth wasn’t so. Time, coupled with the work of grief, can yield healthier physical and psychological outcomes.

Here are a few ways you might spend your time.

• RESTING. Yes, resting. Contrary to what you may believe, rest is not a passive activity. Rest requires you to increase awareness of your body, mind, and spirit. Once the awareness occurs, rest affords you the opportunity to “downshift” and thereby help regulate your emotions, thinking, and physical self.

• LEANING INTO GRIEF. You already know that the grief process is messy, complicated, and lengthy. As such, it’s tempting to strive towards avoidance — of feelings, thoughts, and connections to anything associated with grieving. The decision to do so, however, can result in negative consequences. Working to identify and name your emotions, as well as express them, helps unlock internalized tension and lead to more mindful grieving.

• SEEKING PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT. Shortly after my mom died, I recognized the need to meet with a licensed grief professional. I’d never experienced such a profound loss and found therapy quite useful in sifting through my thoughts and feelings, learning ways to cope, and deconstructing what it meant to be “strong” in the face of loss. 

Of course, there are a multitude of ways to help yourself beyond those mentioned here. 

The important thing to remember is that time alone isn’t the answer. 

Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of talking with hundreds of grieving hearts. What’s broken my heart the most as a grief professional, however, is witnessing some forget that time isn’t a cure for loss.

Time is simply time. 24 hours in a day. 7 days in a week. 4 weeks in a month. 12 months in a year. 

Friend, if you simply focus on time doing the work, you’ll likely increase the suffering you already face with loss itself. 

While difficult, I challenge you to explore how you might engage grief. How you might gently sit with it and consider how you might work alongside it. Your intentionality, in time, may result in an increased ability to not only survive grief, but also thrive in the midst of it.

Feel free to share your thoughts below.

XO,

M.

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