Why doesn’t he get it?

This is a question I’ve occasionally asked throughout the past couple of years as I’ve grieved the death of my dad. The ‘he’ I’m referring to is my fiancé, David.

Just before the official announcement of the global pandemic in March 2020, my adventurous, Harley Davidson riding dad died suddenly of congestive heart failure. And his unanticipated death absolutely rocked my world. It also rocked my relationship with David for a while.

Not only were he and I navigating the typical ups and downs of a dating relationship at the time, but when my dad died, we also had to contend with grief. If you’ve walked the grief journey for even one minute, then you already know how overwhelming and complex grieving is. You also probably recognize the desperation felt in wanting to connect with others who ‘get it.’

I mistakenly assumed that David would respond to the situation the way I did. He’d experienced the death of his own father in 2010. And in the weeks and months following my dad’s death, David undeniably supported me in tangible and intangible ways. His presence as my shoulder to cry on was quite remarkable actually. However, the latter part of 2020 proved difficult in our relationship, related in large part to our responding to loss in drastically different ways.

I often asked God, ‘Why doesn’t he get it?,’ particularly when David seemed to dismiss my emotion-laden expressions about my dad.

It wasn’t as if he couldn’t tolerate any grief-related discussion. He just didn’t seem to have the right words to comfort me. More often than not, I found myself sharing a sentimental story about my dad only to be met with a blank stare.

David appeared dazed and confused. I needed him to be attuned and present.

I wanted physical comfort in the form of gentle hugs and kisses on my forehead. Further, I needed time to myself – a cocoon to insulate myself from other’s questions and even my own disbelief. It never dawned on me that David, who had a wonderful relationship with my dad, was even grieving his death.

Therein lies one of the greatest challenges grief poses within a romantic relationship – myopic thinking. It’s not uncommon for the grief process to shift you into a very egocentric space, making it extremely difficult to view things apart from your own emotional, physical, and spiritual experience.

Hear me when I say that not appreciating your partner’s needs in the midst of loss doesn’t make you a bad person.

As a matter fact, this is normal and fairly common. Research in the grief and loss arena identifies the impact of grieving on an array of relationships, including ones involving romantic partners.

These days, I no longer ask the question: ‘Why doesn’t he get it?’

Three and half years into my relationship – now in the throes of an engagement – I understand that David is grieving too. Recognizing this has helped me connect more deeply with him, as opposed to viewing him as a non-supportive partner.

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You may be reading this and wondering how to even make room for your partner’s grief when you’re grieving yourself. This is a completely fair and reasonable concern.

Here are a few ways to simultaneously honor your process, while acknowledging and respecting your partner’s grief needs.

• Take time for yourself. I’ve learned that tending to my own needs, while sometimes apart from David, can be incredibly beneficial for our relationship. The more I’m emotionally and spiritually well, the better able I can recognize and tune in to what he needs from day to day. Though counterintuitive perhaps, the more you tend to your own needs, the less attached you’ll be to your partner’s response. You’ll value, yet not solely depend, on their support.

• Be patient with yourself and your partner. Since I’d experienced my mom‘s death eight years prior to my dad‘s passing, I thought I understood the array of my emotional responses in the face of loss. However, with my dad‘s death came anger, an emotion I hadn’t encountered following my mom‘s death. I had to exercise patience with myself as I navigated a new emotional journey. At the same time, I had to be patient with David, who was also emotionally reeling in the face of my dad‘s death. I learned to be patient with the fact that my dad‘s death provoked memories of his father‘s death, as well as challenged his own mortality.

• Do your best to listen from the heart. I’ve now realized that David does ‘get it,’ though he responds to grief differently than I do. Knowing this has helped me listen more attentively to what he may be saying without saying. For example, his recollection of memories inspired by certain R&B songs, while not dripping with emotion, is his way of expressing grief and honoring my dad. Friend, always do your best to recognize your partner’s process of grieving and mourning along the way.

• Share your grief needs with your partner. I’ve discovered that as I open up to David and share what I need, he’s readily available to meet it as best he can. My mom used to say that it never makes sense to keep a person guessing. This rings true amid grief. Practice sharing what you need, anticipating that your partner will do their best to address it. I’ve also noticed that David more freely shares his thoughts and feelings with me as I share mine with him. Being able to dialogue in this way has forged a bond between us that wasn’t there before my dad died.

• Seek professional support without shame. My dad‘s death pushed me right back into therapy, and my psychologist’s number is on speed dial. With no hesitation, I reach out to him and regularly communicate what’s happening internally, as well as discuss my behavioral responses in the face of grief. Making the decision to pursue input from a neutral party has helped me gain a better set of communication skills. I’ve also become more aware of and attentive to David’s needs with guidance from my psychologist. Reach out for help as needed, knowing that it will not only benefit you, but also your partner.

You may still be asking yourself, God, and others, ‘Why doesn’t he (she/they) get it?’

Friend, if you’re wrestling in your relationship as a result of grief, know this is 100% normal. You aren’t alone, and there’s no shame in admitting that your relationship has been taxed due to the complexities of grieving.

I’m hopeful that you now see how important it is to not only name the challenges you’re facing, but also take steps to strengthen your relationship.

Remember, grief changes you, which can lead to unintended stress within your relationship. This can contribute to your partner feeling disoriented and sometimes, uncertain about how to best respond.

Make a point to reflect on what’s needed within your relationship, then respond.

And as always, be kind to yourself … and your partner.

I’d love to hear what you think. Share your thoughts below.

XOXO,

M.

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