What happens when grief is delayed?

Anyone who knows me well knows that I love to travel. It’s definitely the sixth love language, in my opinion! Sorry, Mr. Chapman! And one of the inevitabilities of traveling is flight delays. (Insert ‘frowning’ emoji, LOL).

If only a brief delay, we find ourselves remaining calm, scurrying to the bathroom for the last time on the ground, and returning to the gate to line up and board the plane. However, if the flight delay is lengthier, say 2 or more hours, impatience tends to set in. Or maybe I’m the only one?

On one of my international trips, I experienced a 5-hour flight delay from Argentina to Brazil and thought I’d lose my mind. I found myself wondering what might be wrong and even questioning my decision to choose a particular airline at the last minute. Doubts began to creep in, for sure. Finally, I started to feel bad that I was even reacting to the situation at all. And then, after the calm set in, I started to question why I wasn’t frazzled anymore. Yikes!

A similar response can occur when grief is delayed.

“Why am I not crying at this point?”

“How can I feel nothing after experiencing this loss?”

“What’s WRONG with me?”

Have you ever been there, my friend? If so, let me share that you’re 100% normal.

Reactions to flight delays, as well as delays in emotional response in the face of loss, simply reflect the fact that you’re human. Plain and simple.

Delayed grief, defined as grief not fully experienced or expressed until quite some time after loss, is not that uncommon. While it’s hard to pinpoint the exact percentage of individuals who experience a delayed grief response, this type of grief can occur for the following reasons:

• Having a conflictual relationship with the person, in the case of physical death

• Needing to set grief aside in order to tend to practical problems (e.g., parenting, loss-related responsibilities, etc.)

• Experiencing shock associated with the loss (e.g., as a result of a sudden and/or tragic loss)

• Focusing on another major change or life transition after the loss

Unfortunately, this is the case for many grieving hearts after experiencing a significant loss. What can occur, sometimes as a result of another significant loss or for no apparent reason at all, is an unexpected and overwhelming wave of emotion. This might take place weeks, months, or even years after experiencing the loss.

When grief is delayed, the most important thing to remember is that nothing is wrong with you.

Navigating grief is complicated, and there are no rules when it comes to grieving.

Some of the practical steps you can take to address delayed grief include:

• Sharing your thoughts and feelings with others. Experiencing a delayed grief reaction can be isolating, particularly when others readily express their grief in visible ways. You may also feel that others have ‘moved on’ from grief when you are ready to talk. However, it’s still important for you to open up to others for support. Remember … delayed grief is more common than you think.

• Creating space to tend to your physical health. While you may not be expressing your grief in observable ways, grief can manifest in the body. For example, you might notice increased challenges sleeping, physical aches and pains, or changes in your eating patterns. It’s important to follow-up with your medical provider, should you become aware of significant physical changes. In addition, carving out time to complete a head-to-toe self-check (e.g., body scanning) can also be helpful.

• Focusing on self-care. Given the likelihood of increased responsibilities following a loss, it’s important to carve out time to care for yourself. Whether in the form of journaling, meditation, physical activity, or other creative outlet, prioritizing your needs is vital to healthy grieving and coping. One potential consequence of not doing so is increased risk for unhealthy patterns of behavior (e.g., substance use, problematic eating, etc.).

• Seeking individual and/or group bereavement support, as needed. Should you notice significant fluctuations in your mood and or ability to cope day-to-day, asking for help from a professional can be beneficial. Do your best to suspend self-judgment and shame associated with needing support. Remember, you’re human.

When grief is delayed, it’s important that you extend self-compassion. Your grief experience is just that … yours. And as a final thought … there is no timetable for grief, so go easy on yourself.

Friend, share your greatest takeaway below. As always, I’d love to hear from you.

XOXO,

M.

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