Have you ever wondered if you’re failing at grieving?

While this may sound like a silly question, it’s fairly common for grieving hearts to consider it throughout the grief process. Let me explain …

In one fell swoop, grief knocks you off your feet. As a result, you come crashing down, attempting to regain your footing and senses. The problem, however, is that you quickly realize that the methods you previously used to help yourself no longer work.

After my mom died in December 2012, I literally tried everything to help my body, mind, and spirit settle down. Though I felt utterly exhausted, naps did nothing to revive me. I lacked the physical stamina to move my body. I could no longer escape through reading due to poor concentration. Nothing worked!

The inability to care for myself in historically meaningful ways left me questioning everything about myself and the way I grieved. Questions like: “Why can’t I sleep?” and “What’s wrong with me?” circled round and round in my mind. In addition, I began to ‘should’ myself. “I should be able to go for a walk or read a simple book.”

Ever been there, my friend?

In my mind, I was definitely failing at grieving.

Nevertheless, this was the farthest thing from the truth.

The problem was that I was comparing myself to the old version of me. Pre-grief Mekel. The old version hadn’t experienced that level of heartache and pain. The old version had never sunk to the depths of depression or walked through the valley of the shadow of death.

In addition to inward comparison, society tells you all the wrong things. Comments like “You’ll be fine after the first year” or “Losing a parent isn’t as bad as losing a child” perpetuate the grief comparison trap. I wasn’t fine after the first year. Nearly nine years later, some days still feel like the first day my mom left this earth. And experiencing any type of significant loss can be devastating, depending on so many factors.

Friend, all of the internal and external expectations collide, leaving you feeling as if you’ve not only failed others, but also yourself. Can I get an ‘Amen?’

Today, however, I’m here to share that you’re NOT failing at grieving.

There really is no such a thing.

Do yourself a favor today, my friend. Read the next three sentences aloud.

#1 – “There is no right or wrong way to grieve.”

#2 – “I choose to honor my process without apology or question.”

Most importantly, #3 – “I’m not failing at grieving.”

Breathe. How’d that feel?

Now I know one repetition won’t necessarily prevent those pesky thoughts of failure from resurfacing. So when they try to creep in again, try to combat them by doing the following:

• Surrounding yourself with like-minded grieving hearts. Walking alongside others who’re navigating the grief process affords you perspective and can help drown out societal noise. As you observe and interact with others, you’ll be that much more convinced that you’re doing your best day by day. And friend, that’s what matters as you grieve.

• Being kind to yourself (aka self-compassion). Recently, I started reading Susie Moore’s, “Let It Be Easy,” a self-help book dedicated to shining a light on the areas of our lives that we over-complicate. And I realized that grieving hearts sometimes do this. We strive to return to our past selves, all the while betraying our needs in the present. A little compassion towards yourself can go a long way in softening grief’s blows.

• Challenging your thoughts by asking yourself, “Is this healthy or helpful?” It just doesn’t make sense to beat yourself up along the grief journey, for grief causes enough distress on its own. Taking the time to pause and ask this simple question might afford you space to extend self-compassion. Further, it might help you better recognize the ways you’ve inadvertently added to your emotional, spiritual, or physical suffering.

• Focusing on what you can control. Let’s be real! Much about the grief process is beyond your control. You have no idea when the waves of grief will crash down around you or what will be provoked within yourself. In addition, you can’t predict when the pangs of grief will lessen. This is why it’s vital to identify aspects of your life that you can predict and expect. It may be as simple as the time you wake up or eat each day. Whatever the case, consider ways to anchor your day and promote some semblance of certainty.

Remember, you’re not failing at grieving.

What you do you think, my friend? I’d love to hear your thoughts, so feel free to share them below.

From one grieving heart to another, I see and appreciate you.

XOXO,

M.

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