Kids aren’t little adults … especially when it comes to grieving.

Over the past 25 years, I’ve spent time with hundreds of families in the most fragile and devastating of moments.  Parents whose children were diagnosed with life-threatening illnesses.  Children facing life-altering diagnoses. Families forced to pivot at unexpected times. Households disrupted by death.

Naturally, each of these moments contributed to emotional distress and challenges coping with the difficulty of it all. At times, there was confusion regarding how the children in the household behaved and expressed themselves.

“____ just died. Why aren’t they crying?”

“It’s like nothing matters to them. What’s wrong?”

“They attended the funeral and saw ____. Why do they keep asking when he’s coming home?”

Year after year, I began to sound like a broken record as I gently shared, ‘Kids aren’t little adults.’

Let’s be honest. Wouldn’t life be a bit easier if children did respond like adults?

We adults wouldn’t have to wrestle with temper tantrums, challenges sharing with others, and other childish idiosyncrasies. Life might be a little simpler.  However, this isn’t the reality, especially when it comes to grief and loss.

Children grieve too … but not always in ways adults might anticipate they will grieve.

Here are a few developmental differences to consider:

• Preschoolers: view death as temporary and reversible

• Ages 6-8: understand that death is final and irreversible, but don’t grasp that death is universal or could happen to them

• Ages 8+: know that death is final, irreversible, and universal

Given these developmental differences, it’s not uncommon for children to experience confusion, seemingly make light of the death, have lots of questions, or not even believe their loved one is deceased.

Kids aren’t little adults, and those experiencing significant challenges with loss may exhibit the following:

• Acting much younger for a lengthy period of time
• Prolonged fear of being alone
• Social withdrawal
• Sharp drop in academic performance and/or school refusal
• Repeated statements about joining the deceased person
• Prolonged disturbance in sleeping and/or eating

Remember, it’s not one symptom that’s necessarily problematic, but a cluster of symptoms that are vastly different from the child’s behavior prior to experiencing loss. 

As you walk through grief and loss with your child, it will be important to explore ways to promote safety and security.  Death is naturally overwhelming and emotionally unsettling, and working to create routines and predictability will prove helpful in the short- and long-term. In addition, be sure to take steps to help yourself, including seeking grief support and accepting help from trusted friends and family.

Friend, navigating grief is complex. And walking alongside a child who’s grieving as well is complex.

While it would be easier if kids were little adults, this isn’t the case. Remembering that kids aren’t little adults helps position both you and them to focus on what matters most as you both grieve — love, support, and connection.

As always, I welcome your thoughts.

XOXO, 

M.

Head over to my Facebook page to chat more and interact beyond the blog: https://www.facebook.com/DrMekel. I’m also on Instagram too: https:www.instagram.com/drmekel

Learn more about managing your lifestyle, love, leadership, and loyalties to God, self, and others by clicking here: https://mekelharrisphd.com/.