Are You Betraying Yourself?

Loyalties

May 31, 2021

Unsplash photo by Jessica Vega, to highlight why it's important to ask the question: are you betraying yourself?

Quick question, friend … are you betraying yourself?

I know, I know … it’s a direct question. Honestly, I’m in a season where straight shooting is becoming more of the norm. So there’s that.

You might be wondering where this question stemmed from.

The other day, I had the pleasure of spending time in my backyard. After a windy and rainy season in the mid-South, it felt wonderful to do some landscaping. And a couple of hours in, I decided to pause and take stock of the work I’d completed.

That’s when it dawned on me. It was something about looking down, with the leaves of 2020 nestled around my feet, that helped me recognize just how much I’d neglected myself last year.

See, beyond the pandemic, 2020 was riddled with heartache. My dad died in March 2020, and I carried guilt associated with not being able to be present throughout the last week of his life in ICU. Intellectually, I know this was related to hospital restrictions due to COVID-19. However, that did nothing to soothe my aching heart.

The guilt thrust me into a space where saying ‘no’ proved difficult, and I found myself doing things that didn’t honor my time or emotional needs. Deep down, I think I was attempting to emotionally repent for what I considered abandonment at the time of my dad’s death. Dying alone was his greatest fear, after all.

So I rationalized my self-betrayal by celebrating the fact that other’s needs were met without taking my own into account.

Dare I ask again, are you betraying yourself?

We live in a society where loyalty to self is viewed as selfish. And I get it. Of course, we must balance the focus on ourselves with loyalties to our faith, family and friends, and community. I’m certainly not a fan of the ‘it’s all about me’ revolution I see manifested in today’s world.

I’d argue, nevertheless, that our never-ending to-do lists and commitment to everyone else but ourselves creates the perfect environment for emotional resentment and exhaustion. I recall moments last year, after saying ‘yes’ to someone, when I literally felt bitterness growing inside. Yet I continued to plant and water the seeds.

Months after my dad died, I made the decision to let go of the feeling that I hadn’t been enough and moved towards the reality that I’d always been enough in our relationship. Though I wasn’t physically present at the time of my dad’s death, he didn’t die alone. God was there. What a relief! The emotional shackles that had weighted me down fell to the ground, and freedom arrived.

How do we take the steps to avoid self-betrayal?

I think it all starts with intentional focus. In all of our busy-ness and hectic schedules, make time to take a hard look at what you’re focusing on. When I did this last summer, I discovered that self-care looked like the daily shower, 5- to 10-minute devotional, and occasional reading for pleasure. Basically, the minimum. How in the world did my loyalty to self only result in 20 minutes? This wasn’t even 1% of the day! What might you discover as you intentionally focus on not betraying yourself? Take heed to what you learn.
From there, make a commitment to caring for your needs. Anyone who knows me well knows that I love a good planner! And these days, I find myself planning out the upcoming week, with a commitment to schedule time for myself first. That’s right! Before I schedule time to meet with clients, schedule meetings, or participate in speaking engagements, I carve out time to focus on me. I realize that my commitment to daily power walks and meditation are just as — actually more — important than anything else planned each day. Now before you allow yourself to think I’m so privileged to be able to do so, know that you have the same opportunity. Each of us has 24 hours in a day. The question is, ‘Will you make a commitment to prioritizing yourself?’
Finally, accountability is important. I’ve learned that keeping loyalty to myself a secret isn’t good for anyone. To this end, I share my weekly plans with those closest to me. Why, you might ask? It helps promote accountability on my part and helps set a boundary precedence with others as well. I want folks to know I’m an active participant in my own life and have no desire to seek approval from other people in terms of self-loyalty. I experience less resentment and am more equipped to be present with others in more positive ways as a result. Who can you lean on for accountability?