Let’s face it. Asking the tough questions — whether about ourselves, others, or events in our lives — is hard.

2012 proved to be the year that I began asking them.

It was the year my mom died 30 days after being diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer. Just 30 days!

Questions flooded my mind as I attempted to make sense of that indescribable month. In addition, thoughts raced through my mind, thrusting me into a space of fear, uncertainty, and anger.

I posed these questions to family and friends, who delicately redirected me elsewhere. Hurtful at the time, it made perfect sense. None of them could truthfully answer the questions looming in my mind.

“Well, who do I turn to then?” I asked myself.

My first thought, God. However, I’d always heard that it was disrespectful to question God. “God always has His way, and we just need to trust that” was the sentiment others shared.

Basically, asking the tough questions simply wasn’t acceptable, according to some.

Nevertheless, I asked anyway. Desperation led me down the path of trying to get to the bottom of things.

I needed answers and deep within myself, I recognized the need to honor my questions instead of running from them.

Here’s what I learned in my quest for answers, which by the way, occurred over the course of two years following my mom’s death.

• It’s OK to have doubts. As a matter of fact, doubts serve a beautiful purpose. They drive us to seek out answers and perhaps, strengthen our emotional or spiritual journey. Questions drove me closer to the heart of God. Doubts awaken the need to surrender, something foreign to me at the time. Doubts remind us of our emotional frailties and vulnerabilities, both of which force us to seek refuge in something greater than ourselves. Finally, doubts remind us of our humanity. None of us has life figured out, right?
• You owe it yourself to be real about life’s difficulties. Trying to convince yourself that you don’t have questions about life’s challenges is like trying to run through quicksand — impossible. Life can sometimes be hard. While we sometimes enjoy the safety of avoiding the tough questions, we also owe it ourselves to face them head on. Doing so strengthens our emotional and physical resolve and I would argue, prepares us for difficult situations down the line.
• Speaking from a place of truth is better than living a lie. You may discover freedom in speaking honestly about how you feel. Whether you’re grieving or facing another difficult life circumstance, there is truth in your feelings. They deserve room to breathe, be shared, and witnessed by others. For too long, I denied my feelings, living out a lie in an attempt to protect myself and avoid more pain. That didn’t serve me well at all!

Finally, asking the tough questions can help you get to the root of your grief.

For me, it was anger. On the surface, my grief looked like hurt. However, as I dug deeper into my pain, I realized that anger had anchored itself in my heart. This recognition afforded anger space and helped me address it in more healthy ways. It also helped me loosen the grip on control as I faced additional uncertain situations.

Friend, I know asking the tough questions may seem daunting. Or impossible. Or even ridiculous. At the same time, it’s do-able and necessary, particularly to shed light on areas that need to be exposed.

Don’t you think you owe it to yourself?

I’d love to hear what comes to mind as you consider how you might begin asking the hard questions in your life.

XOXO,

M.

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