‘Showing up for yourself’ …

It’s a contemporary catch-phrase we see plastered across social media platforms these days.

But what does it actually mean?

I’ll answer this question by sharing a story.

The year was 2012 and for all intents and purposes, my life was fabulous. I lived in Southern California, enjoyed a fruitful career in academia, traveled around the globe sharing my passion, and felt upheld with love from family and friends.

As a newly minted licensed psychologist for 3 years and mental health professional for over 15 years, I knew what showing up for others looked like.

It was serving children and families in homes, schools, and hospital settings. Working long hours each day, well over the traditional 40 hours/week.

It was answering phone calls after hours to ensure teens’ safety. Writing report after lengthy report after arduous report within tight deadlines.

It was leaving it all on the court at the end of each day.

Translation, it was self-sacrifice at its highest level. Addressing other’s needs above my own. Ignoring my hurt, my struggles, in order to render aid to hurting souls.

And it was glorious. Beautiful. Applauded. Exhausting.

In what seems the ultimate irony, ‘service over self’ became my mantra, partly due to my faith and partly due to my upbringing. My Christianity supported the idea of serving my fellow man, without much mention of me. Reared in a household with two military parents, I felt most comfortable in the doing, which typically involved others.

‘Are you showing up for yourself?’ is a question that never rang loudly in my ears.

On the contrary, my thoughts centered on what I needed to do for others. What I thought I needed to do for others. How other’s needs might be met.

When I did think of me, I often found myself circling around to feelings of guilt and selfishness. My life is wonderful, I thought. I don’t have room to complain or focus on me.

And year after year up to that point, I and others reinforced this thought process, much to my detriment. I didn’t even realize the full impact of my emotional exhaustion until my mom died at the end of 2012.

Grief smacked me in the face, forcing a shift in my emotional, physical, and spiritual self. It served as a wake up call and shook me - over the course of several years - to the reality that I hadn’t fully shown up for myself in decades, if ever.

Therein lied the opportunity, not by my choosing, to live life differently.

And beginning in 2013, here are a few of the ways I began to show up for me:

• Stealing away at least once a week for several hours. Shortly after my mom’s death, I realized that I couldn’t simultaneously balance all of the balls across personal and professional fronts. Mentally, I needed space to reset. So nearly every Sunday for two years, I spent 2-3 hours roaming around the Huntington Botanical Gardens - lying across the grass, journaling, and reading my Bible.

• Turning my phone off at a certain time in the evening. It was challenging enough for me to be all things to me after my mom died, let alone other people. And after sitting with hurting folks throughout the day, my evening became a safe haven - a sacred and untouchable ground - for me to rest.

• Saying ‘no.’ This was, perhaps, the most difficult life change. While tempted to set other’s priorities above my own, I began to exercise my voice more and intentionally choose what was most important to me. I canceled attendance at events. Declined invitations to gatherings. Penciled myself into the calendar, if only to read or sleep. It’s a practice I vehemently adhere to today.

• Adjusting my social circle. On the heels of my beginning to say ‘no’ to certain things and people, you can imagine the ripple effect this had in my social life. And I was OK with that. Setting limits and boundaries in relationships opened my eyes to those who truly wanted me to show up for myself, as I desperately needed, or strictly meet their needs. With newfound boundaries came newfound and longer lasting relationships.

My question for you … how are you showing up for yourself?

If you can’t think of anything at the moment, it’s OK. I couldn’t answer this question either in 2012. Take a moment today to stop and reflect.

It may be making space - if only minutes throughout each day - to sit with yourself. It might be taking a lazy stroll around your neighborhood or spending time in meditation.

Whatever it is, you’re worth showing up for yourself and being loyal to you.

How might you begin the process of showing up for yourself today?

I’d love to hear what you discover in your reflection.

XOXO,

M.

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